After a few days of feeling a bit under the weather, which to some may mean 'sickly' but that's not what I mean, more like a bit depressed, I suppose. But today the actual stormy weather brought me out of it ... the rainstorm jolted me back to the living. Now, don't get me wrong, it wasn't that dark for me, it wasn't that bleak, it's just that sometimes I seem to go into a funk and spend a few days there. During that time I'm in my thoughts, mostly, and I totally shut down. Don't want to do anything productive, don't want to see or talk to anyone, although I do force myself to do what HAS to be done, but don't care to stick to my health regime or bother to take care of myself. But I do manage to bathe every night before going to bed. lol lol lol Have to do that, no matter how depressed I get. So maybe depressed isn't really the right word, maybe it's . . . well, whatever . . .
When I'm like that, my thoughts wander all over the place. They go back to the beginning of time - my early years, my early adult years, my middle adult years and up to the present. I seem to run the gamut, from teens to seventies. Much of my thoughts are about the relationships I've had, quite a bunch of them, the people I've known, quite a bunch of them, my family. How I went wrong, how I went right, what I should have or shouldn't have done. Why there's not a man in my life today. Why I haven't wanted one today. Then I ask myself, how will I feel tomorrow?
Although I truly feel I'm not destined to have another mate, I wonder about the male friend possibility. But I know it's next to impossible to have a male 'friend', one to date, an escort of sorts, without the physicality of it creeping in. I don't see myself in that type of situation. Sex. But I do see myself in a man/woman friendship. Sort of. lol lol lol I'm grinning now. Not believing it even as I write. lol lol lol Hey, I'm trying.
You know, I think my answer is ... I'm relegated to having relationships through my characters. Living vicariously through them, just like you readers do. So you see, my dear fans and readers, I'm on the same page with you. Although most of you are with wonderful husbands and boyfriends and like to dream a little while reading my characters, but most of you are happy in your situations, and rightfully so. And then there are some of you who are older, single or widowed, who still like to dream a little just like me, still like to be taken to a place where you may not be able to go in reality. So I write for you too. And there are some of you who would love to travel to the places I go to and write about, but are not able to do that, so I write for you too.
Those of you who want to break out of subjugation and control, to take back your lives and live, to be free from abuse ... well, I write for you too. "Midnight at the Eiffel" is a prime example of overcoming that misery. And there are some of you who need to learn how to build your self-esteem and believe in yourselves, to learn how to go for what you want and to get it. I write for you too. Prime example in "Midnight in Brussels." For those of you who are adventurous ... all of my novels are sure to captivate you.
Yes, all my novels have something for each of you, even for you men out there. You want to learn about women and how they think? Read my novels. I write for both men and women, for everyone.
So ... from this very moment (May 9, 1012, 7:54 p.m.) I'm on the upswing ... from this moment I'm back ... until the next huge pendulum swing in the other direction. But I'm not complainin' about the mood swings, because each time I come out of the funk just a little bit stronger with a little more clarity.
Luv & Hugs ...